Fuck Cruises

I kind of like cruises, but everything has negatives. First and foremost the fucking muster drills. Every fucking cruise is the same shit. No matter how many you go on, you can't skip any of it. Oh, "it's for safety." No, it's a circle jerk to comply with international law and cover the cruise line's asses legally. It CAN be made easier. They already have everyone meeting indoors instead of at the actual lifeboats. They could easily let us check in at our respective stations, send us back to our rooms, and play the fucking safety briefing on the TVs. It's technically no different than doing it with us sitting in the goddamn theater together. Legally, they could totally do it. The law only says what we have to be briefed on during the drill, not HOW or WHERE. Hence being able to brief us in the fucking theater on my last cruise. The worst thing about the drill isn't even the briefing itself. It's waiting around for the assholes to start the fucking briefing. For whatever reason it always takes them ages to fucking start. If it's on TV, we can be unpacking and settling in. Win-win.

I don't like Caribbean cruises anymore because the cruise lines insist on including their bullshit private island on all the itineraries. I don't want to waste a day on an empty island. I'm not a beach person, and I don't swim. Fuck that shit. Every island we stop at has a fucking beach. Why bore the fuck out of the people who aren't interested in roasting their balls off on the beach? And where the hell is the logic in running people through the metal detectors when we get back on board from the cruise line's own island? Where the hell would I find a fucking weapon? Am I going to buy one from a fucking dolphin? For fuck sake!

Nearly everything shuts down by 10pm on cruises. WHY? I'd like a fucking hot tub after the old people and kids go to bed. Let the younger couples fucking enjoy their evening. The lack of food at night is also annoying as shit. They used to have midnight buffets and 24hr ice cream, etc. Now it's "Fuck you. Go to bed." Thanks, assholes.

Then when your cruise is over, you get to fill out a lovely customs declaration because nobody's allowed to buy anything without paying American sales tax. Fuck you. Can anyone prove I bought a hat or watch from some street vendor in some foreign country? I fucking doubt it. All the more reason to use cash on vacation.